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| I probably could have jumped on the McKayla is not Impressed bandwagon, but I couldn't pass up Wonder Woman. Photocredit. |
No, not really. At the time, M-5 was knee (and elbow) deep in a house renovating, Spring cleaning extravaganza. I interpreted (correctly, I think) the baby blankets to be a sign of purging and not an informal request for grandchildren (already).
Contrary to, oh, everyone else who seems to be asking me about my empty womb lately.
***
"Tick tock, Shawna! Tick tock!" shouted Myles, the mop-top 5-year-old Uno champion, at the dinner table a few weeks ago. "Tick tock."
I smiled, shooting daggers at his mother*, who put him up to it.
***
The familiar refrain of questions/comments on the baby front is cropping up a lot lately although I've fielded them since before T and I even got engaged... "Are you?" "When?" "How many?" "Oh you should..." "You have to..."
Lately, I use my studies as a deflection technique, usually quipping something like "I've got to give birth to this dissertation first before I think about having kids..." But, (blessedly), I won't have that excuse for long.
For the record, I'm ambivalent** about children. On the one hand, sure, I think having a kidlet or two would be fun. I've seen how my friends' lives are enriched by rugrats. I hear wonderful stories and see evidence of the incredible, soul-deep love that kids invoke. And generally, I'm a fan of smart, loving, stable people having kids, so why not Mr. T and me?
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| Photo credit. |
At some level I resent (maybe that's too strong of a word?) that *I* get asked all the questions. Want to know how many people have asked Tim if we're having kids? Hmm. Plus or minus none. I suppose one could argue that as the womb owner, I have ultimate say over it being filled any time soon (well, you'd think so anyway), but mostly I think people "naturally" associate babies and ladies. I'm a lady, therefore I should want to have a baby, yes?
But what if I don't?*** Does that make me less of a woman? Less of a person? More selfish? Someone who is shirking her societal obligation to repopulate the earth? Hmm. Still mulling this over.
***
Some days, I want to tell people to butt out and mind their own bees wax. But most days, I'd like people, if they must, to inquire politely. Without the "shoulds" and coercion quotient. With some degree of tentativeness. With understanding. Yes? Yes!
xoxo,
shawna
* I love you, Melissa!
** Do note, I reserve the right to amend this sentence. I've heard from friends that sometimes baby fever hits out of the blue.
*** I often wonder how this entire narrative would change if the question is "What if I can't?"
I had all of these same concerns when I was trying to decide whether or not to have kids. I was genuinely freaked out by the idea. it's a really big decision, especially on the woman's end because ultimately about 90% of the sacrifices come from your end. It's your body that changes, your career that gets tweaked, etc. I never did get baby fever until we decided that we were gonna try for a baby. It was like getting off the fence about it finally gave my psyche permission to embrace the idea. The 9 months it took to get pregnant were emotionally difficult because there was a thought of "oh crap... What if we missed our chance? " Now that this baby is here I'm amazed at how much I like being a mom. It's pretty damn amazing. Sure my sleep gets interrupted every couple hours and outings are slowed down a bit, but for me it's all worth it. But, everybody has to make their own decision and I don't fault people either way.
ReplyDeleteI totally hear you! I did NOT want kids at all, of course until I found out I was having one, ha, miraculously I was thrilled and not devastated. Granted I did not have big career aspirations either, unless you count being a high school art teacher. While I find that a valuable career, it's not exactly stable or a financially savvy move. God bless in which ever direction you choose
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comments, ladies!
ReplyDeleteKaren, I think about the "what if I'm too late" thing a LOT. I mean ideally, we'd wait for a few years until I get a solid gig going, but by then, I'll be later 30s and T will be pushing 50. But that's even if we decide to have them... But then, it's people like you (and you, too, Kate) who have these beautiful babies and make me wonder if sooner is better than later.
The big picture: create offspring to continue civilization and the growth of our society. However, nowadays, having children is more about self-actualization than anything else. In the past it was about having offspring (especially a son since women were deemed inferior) to will your estate to when you pass, or having a bundle of children to ease the chores, work the farm, and toil the land. We have machines for all that now. Machines are raising our children too. They're called television, video games, and apps...okay that was more of a tangent.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, you're not alone. There are many women in a certain age bracket who haven't had children whose dreams changed as they got older. They like, no, they LOVE the life they have (my friend Ariana from high school is in that same bracket), and they love their relationships with their partners, and not being tied down to a set sleep/vacation/eating/shower/napping/school schedule.
Having kids is about self-actualization. But not having kids doesn't mean you haven't self-actualized. In fact, your untraditionality is becoming quite the norm...that, and you get to keep your figure. ;)
Hear here!
ReplyDeleteIt's like very few women even ponder for very long what children do to career, marriage and peace. (Like Karen said, most of the sacrifice is on our end.) Then we get our panties in a twist when we think of not being able to have the little buggers. Sigh. I guess it's a Sophie-esque choice. Which means you and Mr. T are the only votes that count. =)
You're not alone.
And well put.